Hello, friends.
It’s another gorgeous fall day outside. Sunshine, breeze, nice temperatures. I feel bad writing this as friends down in Florida are in the middle of a hellish hurricane and I wish I could send them this weather. I hope they remain safe and there’s no damage. That’s the thing about weather like this: it doesn’t last. But then, neither does any weather. Enjoying it when it comes around is important.
Welcome to the 194th installment of Gauthic Times, the newsletter about my writing, my life, and musings on being needy. If you’re a reader who subscribes via Substack, my website, or Patreon, your encouragement helps motivate me. I’m thankful to have any audience.
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This week I added around 1,800 words in Project: Memoir, and finished the first draft, which weighs in at around 63,000 words. I don’t know that anyone will ever read it, but it’s possible, I guess.
Four Moons was edited a little bit when I wasn’t sleeping after coming home from the Day Job. Nearly every day I come home so wiped out that I crash, sleeping for an hour or two before dinner. A few nights, I managed to sit down and edit the werewolf book. Slow and steady is better than nothing at all.
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I’m asking myself today, “Why am I so needy?” I actually ask myself that a lot but today it’s in the forefront of my mind because Pamela is (finally) reading Project: Amusement Park. I printed and bound a copy of the manuscript for her (using Barnes & Noble Press) and she’s been taking it to G’s school for afternoon pickup. Naturally, when she’s not looking (or at least when I think she’s not looking) I look to see where the bookmark is. That naturally leads me to wonder if she’s liking it. Sometimes I can resist asking. Sometimes.
At work I coteach with a close friend and I’m often measuring if I’m doing all right. I’m aware of it and it embarrasses me, but I also find it difficult not ask.
Why am I so needy?
I think a part of it was growing up, I tried to entertain my parents. My mother always encouraged me but she also really liked being the center of attention, too, at least under her own rules. My father I found nearly impossible to entertain. He wasn’t very emotive in some ways, though he was always quick with a hug and kiss and “I love you.” Both my parents were. But making Dad laugh was like trying to get Mount Kilimanjaro to leap. That’s changed. A few months back as I was making him laugh he said, “You’re funny. You shoulda been a comedian.”
That, friends, is one of the proudest moments of my life.
Maybe it’s because I have two half-brothers that I haven’t seen since I was six years old, when they stopped coming around because they were assholes (I think? Based on how they hurt my father—their father—and my Mémé—their Mémé—I’d consider them assholes). Maybe it’s just an inherent part of me to want to please others or seek approbation. I do wonder, though.
I have always wanted to be able to entertain and help others, which I consider to be selfless acts, yet there’s also a big part of me that wants to be noticed doing it. Teaching fits into that mold better than I would have guessed twenty years ago as I was starting down that career path. I’m able to help and entertain and in order to do so, I need to have a captive audience. And by giving my all in order to help these young people, I’m also filling that need to see that I’m doing alright. When the students move but choose to stay in touch, it shows I did well in whatever small way I could.
Which brings me back to writing. Being a Creative means putting yourself out there, often alone, and performing for no one. Writing and art are things that are often done in solitude (even when you’re in a room full of people; as I write this, G is playing a video game on her computer on the couch to my left and Pamela is doing online groceries on the loveseat behind me. I am not alone and yet I am also completely by myself as I write this). Unless you do what Harlan Ellison would do and write stories in public (which I will do someday, mark my words!), all feedback you get comes afterward. In the case of writing, sometimes a long time afterward.
If I’m lucky enough to read a story in public, I can get some of that thrill of response. But again, the words were written beforehand, in solitude.
I hope my neediness is no more or less than other creatives. Stephen King wrote in On Writing that as his wife Tabitha read Hearts in Atlantis, he kept glancing at her until she said, “Stop being so goddamn needy!” King said it, “The truth is that most writers are needy.” Most Creatives are, for that matter.
I think a big part of it finally rests in that I enjoyed the hell out of writing whatever people are reading, or the equivalent in other disciplines, including teaching, and I hope the person on the receiving end enjoys it, too.
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Next week, October 17th, 2026, I’ll be taking part in the Merrimack Valley Halloween Book Festival at the Lawrence Public Library in Lawrence, Massachusetts. I’m excited because so many authors, editors, and people I admire will be there, as well as a few friends. Find out more here!
I will also be joining a panel about monsters and cosmic horror at Once Upon A Bookstore in Fall River, Massachusetts, about a week later!
There may also be another event in October, too. This one is in the works but it’s a place I’ve been to that’s always a favorite.
I’ll share more info on all of these events as we get closer.
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That’s this week’s newsletter. Thank you so much for subscribing, reading, and for your support. Be safe out there, friends.
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