Hello, friends.
After the surprise second week of vacation brought on by the Blizzard of ’26, this week came back with a vengeance and, man, did things suck! This week’s essay talks a tiny bit about it because I spent a lot of the week thinking, I’ve had enough. I can’t do this. What was this? It depended on the moment.
It’s easy to get caught up in the bad but there were some good things, mostly small things, too. I’ll take them.
Last week’s essay about unfriendliness where I live got some responses that made me smile, knowing that this happens in a lot of places but also that there are many places where this doesn’t happen, too. The people who’ve gone from one situation to the other notice.
Welcome to the 163rd installment of Gauthic Times, the newsletter about my writing, my life, and having enough. If you’re a reader who subscribes via Substack, my website, or Patreon, your encouragement helps motivate me. I’m not breaking any records but I’m thankful to have any audience.
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This week was a mini-vacation week from writing. What I mean is that I didn’t do any real heavy lifting in writing. I was too frickin’ tired with all the bullshit going on to be able to compose something new, but there were a few things I did.
I began to mildly look into agents again. It seems I do this every few years. If you’re a writer reading this and you think your agent would work well with me, let me know! Either way, I’ll be looking into agents more this coming week and begin the process of querying for Project: Amusement Park. I’m hoping some of the buzz for The Monster in the Closet helps.
I spent a lot of time thinking about what my next big writing project could be. There are two books I’ve had rolling around my head for a while but that seem to be gelling more and more recently.
- A horror novel that would be an unofficial sequel to a popular horror movie franchise. I’d be changing the characters names but the story idea I have would be original enough that fans of those movies might see the connection but there wouldn’t be any copyright issues. I have a title an everything. I’ve had the basic concept in my head for around 15 years. The rest of the story came in the last few years.
- A fantasy/science fiction book where rebels try to bring peace and end tyranny. There’s more to it than that, trust me, but that’s what the book hangs on and I wouldn’t want anyone to know more until I’ve written it. I’ve had the basic concept for this in my head for around 25 or 26 years. There’s been a lot of thinking about it in the last few years, particularly last year when the concept began to gain some credence with minor (and I mean minor) world building.
I would do both simultaneously if I had the ability to because they’re so different, it could be fun to seesaw between them.
And there are other things I’d like to play with, too. The immediate future, writing-wise, will be focused on shopping Project: Amusement Park around.
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This will likely be one of my rambling essays. There are some weeks when the topic presents itself with a bow and there’s no way that I couldn’t write about it. Other weeks, it’s a struggle to come up with something relevant or that doesn’t seem masturbatory. This is one of those weeks. As I sat here getting the documents ready for this week’s newsletter, I thought about different things and trying to find a topic that would be good. I asked myself, How do you feel?
The Voice responded, I’ve had enough.
Enough of what? That was the next question. The Voice didn’t respond. It didn’t need to. I knew. I’ve had enough of everything.
This past week highlighted the very reason that the one week snow vacation that followed the regularly scheduled mid-winter vacation was so welcome and needed. Work was tough this week. There are so many things going on, so much out of my hands, and so much anxiety-causing things that are kind of in my hands, that there wasn’t a day that I didn’t feel like crying at some point. My empathy has been set to 11 and I’m truly worried about some of the students and adults I work with.
Outside of school isn’t much better. Family members have been dealing with various pain issues, which reminds me of my mother, who had chronic pain that no one could ever do anything for. I hope that the various issues my loved ones are dealing with are taken care of better, but who has any real faith in healthcare anymore? The insurances aren’t even trying to hide their disdain for those who are supposed to be looked after. Ridiculous prices for insurance that you’re not allowed to use doesn’t help things.
Oh, and there’s the fact that my home country, the United States, is being run by some of the worst people alive right now and nothing seems to be stopping them. Starting wars? Okay. Sure. Killing citizens? Yup. “What if there are terrorist attacks on U.S. soil?” “It happens.”
What the holy motherfuckin’ fuck?
I can’t teach the way I should because the students aren’t ready for high school. I can’t live the way I’d like because I can’t afford to. The people I care about are hurting and there’s nothing I can do for them. The one thing I’m actually pretty good at and that I love doing isn’t something that’s feasible for me to do because of the time I spend at the Day Job being ineffectual….
Yeah. I’ve had enough.
And the real thing that bothers me about this is that I feel selfish for feeling like this because so many people are going through this.
Yet, people manage to get through and achieve these things that, for me, feel like dreams that cannot happen. This inevitably leads to frustration and guilt that I’m not doing enough, or I’m doing something wrong, or that I’ve fucked up somehow.
It’s at this point that I realize that I’m stuck in my own head. I’m running on a treadmill of thought that’s taking me nowhere.
A dear friend pointed out to me the other day, “But look at what you’ve accomplished! You want to write and you’re writing.”
It’s true. Looking at the books has helped. It’s reminded that people do think I’m good enough. Yes, I have so much to offer but it takes time and I am moving.
The world is a messy, fucked-up place and it feels like terrible, terrible things are coming. And they may be. Locally, things aren’t much better. But I have this. The ability to sit down and put these thoughts down and maybe have someone read them. Not many, perhaps, but some.
I can’t fix the world. I can’t fix society. I can’t fix those who are hurt. I can tell a story. I can be present. And I can let you know that you’re not alone, we’re all feeling it.
Talking to myself through writing helps. I hope it helps you, too.
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That’s this week’s newsletter. Thank you so much for subscribing, reading, and for your support. Be safe out there, friends.
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Gautham: Bill Gauthier.com 
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