Hello, friends.
May the 4th began as an internet meme from Star Wars fans. Now it’s a Thing, embraced by The Powers That Be for reasons of selling Star Wars toys and things. And I’m there for it.
Sorry, you probably thought I was going to go into an anti-capitalist tirade that exploits nostalgia and children’s love but you’re wrong. I want more. Gimme! When a new Star Wars movie or TV show or whatever comes out, I’m like, “Weesa goin’ home!”
People my age are supposed to hate Jar Jar Binks. Fuck that noize. Ain’t gonna happen. I love that goofy guy and am still angry that the backlash against him was so great that Lucas diminished his role the other two Prequel movies (though, storywise, he wasn’t really needed…his main job was done by the end of Attack of the Clones). People from my generation will say things like, “I feel there are only three Star Wars movies.” I feel bad for them. I’ve had 11 movies and numerous TV shows now.
Are they the Greatest Films of All Time? Fuck, no. That’s a stupid sort of question, anyway. You should feel bad for asking that. Even though I was the one who asked it. Now I feel bad.
Look, all I’m saying is, Star Wars inevitably brings me back to being four years old and watching the movie in its spring 1982 rerelease with my father. Or the five-year-old who saw The Empire Strikes Back in its fall 1982 rerelease. Or the six-year-old who watched Return of the Jedi with his mother and grandmother. Anything that makes life a little more bearable can’t be all bad, right?
Yeah, so, may the 4th be with you.
Welcome to the 120th installment of Gauthic Times, the newsletter about my writing, my life, and being tired of being tired.
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Anyway, let’s go!
***
Lots of internal working this week. I read a short story I wrote back in 2020. I like the premise and think I can shape it into something good. It’s a weird story, not horror. But it’s lacking something so I need to think about it to revise it.
I’ve also been playing with some ideas for longer works, making notes here and there. I looked at notes for Project: Nightmare and made some notes on Project: Fantasy Tale. I’ve thinking about Project: Shakespeare Space Opera, too, as well as Project: Werewolf.
I’m still waiting to hear back from my friends who read Project: Amusement Park to see how much they hated it so I can begin formulating how to approach a third draft. With the school year heading to its endgame, things are busy-busy but I should still be able to do some things. I think the depression/exhaustion is beginning to lift a little. Which is sort of what today’s essay is about.
***
I’m tired. My wife points out that I’m always tired, and she’s not wrong. The last six years have been exhausting. Add to that trying to get the meds right for my depression. Add to that aging. I’m tired. Exhausted. I’ve had moments of clarity and energy. Days, weeks, a month here and there, where things get better, but it never really goes away.
I’m in one of those phases right now. Honestly, finishing Project: Amusement Park’s second draft probably helped bring it on.
My doctor offered to prescribe a new medication to coincide with my regular antidepressants (which is also a somewhat new medication) but warned that some people with high- or regular energy become agitated with it. Because we’re at the end of a ridiculously stressful school year, I suggested we revisit the idea of the new med once summer vacation comes. I do not need to be more agitated and then lose my shit on a student or a colleague.
On the other hand, I’m so tired. I’m writing this at 1 o’clock on Saturday afternoon on the first weekend of May. The sun is out, I can birdsong and nature through the open slider of our apartment, and I could fall asleep right here at my desk. If I sat and closed my eyes, I think I could actually doze off. I almost want to try it and report back. I won’t, though. There’s too much to do.
April vacation (spring vacation/break) came and went and I didn’t do much of consequence writing-wise. Lots of thinking. Little doing. Even all the things I was excited to do on Patreon have fallen aside due to this exhaustion, this depression.
But there are things brewing. I can feel them.
Maybe my mind (or heart or soul) needed a break from the work after finishing Project: Amusement Park’s second draft. If anything, I feel like I have too many big ideas, many of which I’ve written about in my Gauthic Times newsletter.
I wonder why I’m writing about this. It came to me as I sat down to work on the essay. Which is what happens a lot. I know I have to write something for the newsletter but I have no friggin’ idea what I’m going to write about. Other times I know a full week in advance. More often, its somewhere in between. This week is me ad-libbing 100%.
I’ve always been intrigued with confessional writing, coming from behind the curtain and saying, “This is me, this is where I’m at. I hope it makes you feel less alone.”
That’s what this is. Because I feel alone right now. I’m not. I have a wonderful family and some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. For someone who thrives on solitude, I have many people I love in my life. Still, the exhaustion makes me feel alone.
It makes me feel inadequate.
But it’s not the truth. And sometimes these missives–these musings–are akin to when Bruce Springsteen tries to pump up the crowd by asking, “I there anybody alive out there?”
So, thanks for being there. Thanks for reading.
***
That’s it for this week’s newsletter. Thank you so much for subscribing, reading, and for your support.
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Gautham: Bill Gauthier.com 
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